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By (March 6, 2009) ()

Blocked. Fear. Nervous.Blocked again. Doing stuff but not doing any stuff because I blocked again.

Sometimes I feel to much anxiety. It’s not that something bad will happen but the fear of having things go wrong, having to much things going on at the same time and not knowing how to deal with it, sometimes extrapolate anxiety to panic. Feeling anxious put me in a state where I just want to run away. My body feels it so deeply as something so real, so present, so physical. Unbalanced. Tension.

Blocked again. Pause.

Take a deep breath. Go for a cigarette. Get some fresh air.  Restart.
It helps but after a while it comes again. It’s strange to get anxious of something that still didn’t happened, but hard to contain it.  It’s also strange to know that being conscious of it makes it harder to fight.

Maybe writing about it helps. It makes me laugh about myself and about this situation.It’s also hard to understand the mechanisms that trigger this state. Blocked again. I don’t know how to reverse them without going back in time to maybe change things from the beginning.But I would love to have those mechanisms trigger relief and relaxation. Maybe the answer is two hours distance from here.

Feeling better.


March 6, 2009


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