By pev (February 19, 2009) (week 4 non-human post)

Hello, I am your webcam. I’ve been watching you for quite a while. It’s fine, not a big deal – I realize this must be pretty awkward for you too. Usually, I just pass things along to your friends and family, or whatever. I’m not one to comment or pass judgement. It’s not strenuous, and I don’t really mind. It’s what I was made for, after all. My software interface has really gotten to be marvelous too hasn’t it? Those dancing pizza slices kill me every time. Don’t you love that crap? SO FUNNY.

Boy, we’ve sure had some amazing times together too. Remember your cousin’s wedding? Bet you’re glad you didn’t have to really be there for that! The DJ was terrible! And your uncle’s side of the family? Was that the cast of HBO’s Big Love?

Ohhh – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. But really, you should thank me! Isn’t it wonderful how we talk to your parents, or your bro up in Montreal – remember that time we caught up with your buddies who were on vacation in Amsterdam? Too bad you can’t toke doobies across the interweb! Wait, why are you shushing me? There’s no one around – it’s just you and me. No secrets here. I’ve seen all there is to see, pal. Like that time you were involved in that long-distance relationship…if you catch my drift. Truly, the stories I could tell. Speaking of which, you’ve kinda let yourself go since we first met in ’06. Time to shave that ‘stache and hit the Y-you’ve been spending too much time in front of the computer, brohan.

Really, get outta here. We need a break, and we don’t like the way you’ve been eyeing that Apple store. And considering how much we know about you, don’t you think you should take our advice? Don’t get it twisted, man. This is for your own good. Remember, we have some capabilities you may not even be aware of!