By John K (February 17, 2009) (week 4 non-human post)

“Sweet morning, it’s going to a cold one today I can assure you that! But not to worry, this sweater that I picked out for you will keep you feeling all warm and cozy all day long. And it goes really nicely with these dark blue jeans. Yes indeed. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to order you some new socks – the ones you’ve been wearing have been worn 93.4 times. Would you look at these stains and holes? My goodness! Anyway, a few stores are having a sale today. I’ll order you something snazzy.”

I chuckle a bit and reply, “Oh, that’d be excellent. You’re the best!”

Dresser puffs out its top drawer a bit and in a matter-of-fact kind of way it proudly exclaims, “I know. I know. You don’t know how good you have it.”

I grab my keys off the top of Dresser and pat its maple table-top.

I’d have to admit, Dresser has a bit of an ego at times. It’s made of maple – not oak or pine. Dresser has ornate bronze knobs, each star-shaped. Often times I find Dresser repositioning itself to collect the light beaming in from the window. This makes each of the 12 stars shine brightly, while casting luminous patterns on the wall.

When I ask Dresser what it is doing, it exclaims, “Making constellations, dummy! Aren’t they beautiful?”

Dresser is networked to a computer. In the morning, it queries the weather in an effort to provide me with the perfect outfit. During the day, it searches a number of online fashion/celebrity magazines and often attempts to talk me into buying higher-end clothes. But unfortunately, I’m more of a t-shirt and cheap jeans kind-of-guy.

Yet, there’s a problem here. Dresser and Washer are always arguing. Dresser deems itself of a higher social order than Washer and at times is quite degrading to Washer.

“These pants aren’t clean enough! How hard is it to perform one simple task?! Yet again, you make it impossible for me to put together a decent outfit. You are more useless than Toaster, I swear!”

At one point, the arguing escalated to the point where I had to step in. Regretfully, I threatened Dresser with a can of orange paint (a color that Dresser despised). Dresser was absolutely astonished that I was taking the side of Washer. It revolted. For the next two weeks, Dresser made it a point to mismatch my clothes and to clap its drawers all night long to make sure that I didn’t get any sleep. All the while, the arguing between Dresser and Washer only got worse.

The stress and turmoil proved fatal for Washer and one morning I discovered that drive belt inside Washer had snapped. It was simply too much for Washer to endure. I buried Washer in the backyard right next to Refrigerator later that evening.

Still, Dresser demanded an apology and a subscription to “Fine Timber Magazine” if I wanted my “fashion diva” back.

I don’t know, I just couldn’t do it. So, instead I rented a wood chipper and I heaved Dresser into it. It made a horrible sound.  A sound that I’ll never forget.

I’m now in the process of ordering a replacement – but this one is going to me made out of fiber-board.